A thought from my other blog

Part of my decision to lose weight involves seeking out the root cause of my food choices. Why do I choose unhealthy foods and unhealthy eating habits? What is within me that keeps me from making those simple and good decisions, even when I know what they are and the positive effect it has on me--my moods, my physical fitness, and health?

Part of this process has included reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge (John is the author of "Wild At Heart"). It is captivating read, although some of it has really forced me to look at my past and what caused me to form the opinions I have of myself. It has been painful. From an absent--physically and emotionally--father, to family who belittled me for my weight, to other broken girls who labeled me unfairly, to...oh, the list could go on and on.

But here is what I have identified:

I have believed for a long time that I was a mistake and that I ruined my parents' lives.

I was too much for most people--as a child too bright and outgoing, as an adult too emotional and insightful. So I hid from people. I hide from myself.

Eating is indirectly comforting for me. I eat for taste. If it tastes good, it brings me pleasure in a life where I have learned to avoid luxuries like pleasure and joy and happiness. When I eat and put on weight, people are less likely to seek me out or invite me to do things with them. By avoiding interactions with others, I am avoiding the risk of allowing them to hurt me. You can't hit me if you can't reach me. And my weight--my fat--is a distance between you and me. This is even true in the most wonderful human relationship I have ever been a part of--my marriage. On some level, I believe that by being overweight I will be less desirable to my husband, so he won't pursue me.

The irony? Our relationship is the most fully intimate relationship I could imagine. Even cooking for each other is an act of intimacy, doing laundry. We hold nothing back from each other which is healthy. But for someone who is so afraid of being: "too much, not good enough, a mistake, a burden, an obstacle to be overcome, a bag to drag along for lack of another option, last pick, unworthy, lacking value", this healthy intimacy is somewhat overwhelming. It goes against everything within me--the wounds, the scars, the fat that I carry to insulate myself from potential pain.

Why do we overeat? Because we do not love ourselves. We do not see our intrinsic value. We cannot believe that there is good within us. It may be something overwhelmingly obvious to us. Or, in my case, it may take some digging down deep to really pull these "lie/truths" from within our souls to the surface, and then it make take years of discarding of them to find healing. I call them lie/truths because those statements are not truths about us really, but there impact is real and affects us more than we want to believe.

But the hope we can find is that there is someone who knows the whole truth and loves us. He knows that we are beautiful, no matter how much we weigh, who told us otherwise, who battered us, who raped us, who used us, who neglected us. And He is deeply and madly in love with us. He is more in love with me today at 239 than He was yesterday at 242.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love." --Jeremiah 31.3

And you know what? He walks with me and He talks with me. And He tells me I am His own. Here is His love song to me today. He has one for you too.